4 Tips for Couples to Share the "Mental Load" of Life
Author: Laura Davis, founder of Time Management Academy
Picture this: It’s Thursday evening after work and your spouse empties and reloads the dishwasher, sets out your daughter’s outfit for “Red Day” at daycare and switches over the laundry - all without any questions or directions from you. This might sound like a fantasy, but it can definitely be your reality. These tasks are examples of part of the “mental load” that a lot of women carry in life, especially as moms.
The mental load or “invisible load” can also include “worry work” or all of the moving parts that go into getting an actual task done for your family. Doctors appointments, grocery shopping lists, school schedules, early release days, family member birthdays, ordering diapers, and all of the other “small things” that someone in the house has to remember.
A lot of times, stress doesn’t come from the task itself, but more so from overseeing that the task was thought of in the first place, delegated appropriately and then actually completed. When couples share the mental load of parenting, there is less stress throughout the house, decision fatigue happens less frequently and a feeling of overwhelm is avoided.
Here are four ways you and your spouse can combat the stress of the “mental load” together as a team:
Communicate Openly & Often
You and your spouse can have regular conversations (weekly+) about the "invisible tasks'' that need to get done. Block time in your calendar for a brief 20-minute meeting at the beginning of each week (e.g. Sunday) and again mid-way through the week (e.g. Wednesday). Also, you cannot expect anyone in your life to be a mind reader, which means there may be some tasks that are a priority for you that your spouse may not notice and vice versa. For example - my husband doesn’t notice when the counters are wiped down, but I do and I do not know when we AC maintenance schedule, but he does.
Own the Whole Task
Whoever takes ownership of a task must own the whole task. This includes planning & management, not just execution. By empowering each other to fully own tasks, it builds trust between each other, but also within yourselves. For example - my husband is fully in charge of our two dogs. Appointments, medications (there’s a lot), food, daycare, boarding, grooming, etc. One of our dogs is blind, has diabetes and a brain disorder so this is no small feat.
Give Over Control & Consequences
Once someone owns the "invisible task," the other person must give up control on HOW that task is completed. Just because it isn’t done the way you would do it doesn’t mean it’s being done wrong. Giving up control can be hard, but if we want our spouses to truly own something, we need to give them the freedom to do so. Also, allow consequences to happen. If you know that you’re about to run out of a certain critical grocery item and you can tell it’s not on this week’s grocery list that your spouse manages, LET IT RUN OUT. The world will not end and when it comes up in the moment, your spouse can figure out the solution and likely learn the lesson to not let that happen again.
Ebb and Flow with Schedules
Give and take the "mental load" depending on schedules each week. You both should be willing to pick up the slack when the other has an exceptionally busy week and vice versa. If your spouse normally handles any kind of outside work (watering plants, mowing, etc.) be willing to take that over if he has to travel or has a busier-than-normal week ahead. And if you normally handle dishes, but you have an exceptionally busy week, communicate the need for the task to be owned by your spouse for that week.
A quick bonus tip (coming from first-hand experience): don’t discount your spouse while reading this before even having the conversation. If you’re thinking “HA, my husband would never agree to this!” then you’re giving up before really trying and the burden will continue to fall on you.
Working through this will never be a perfect science, but if these conversations and efforts are rooted in love and respect for each other then you’re already winning.
About the Author
Laura Davis is a corporate marketing leader turned time management strategist for women. Her journey began almost 7 years ago when she and her husband went through infertility and IVF treatments which forced her to get really good at managing time. After researching the best ways to manage time, Laura discovered that very little of the data, tips and strategies in this space were tailored for women. This is when Time Management Academy was born giving women a realistic blueprint to design their time to balance a thriving career with being an in-the-moment mom without feeling overwhelmed by life's demands.